In your right mind

Last weekend my son Ed, asked Laura, his girlfriend of seven years, to marry him. He planned his proposal to be on Glastonbury Tor, a hill in the English county of Somerset, not far from where she grew up and where her parents still live.

The hill is topped by the roofless tower of St Michael’s Church a Grade I listed building and has many historical and spiritual associations, including links to King Arthur. 

The close families on both sides knew of Ed’s plans, but not Laura. He had secretly visited her parents some weeks before, borrowing my car to drive from Gloucestershire to Somerset to ask for their daughter’s hand in marriage, so all was set for the proposal.

When he told me of his plans, I immediately offered him the middle diamond in my trilogy ring, and we went to my jeweller in Hatton Garden to arrange its setting. It took less than ten minutes to agree on the design, as we both had Laura in mind. When I saw the finished ring the weekend before he proposed, I was speechless - it was more beautiful than I could have imagined.

Ed was super cool about their visit to Glastonbury Tor and told her parents of his plans the week before. He wondered whether she had begun to suspect something because her mother did not ask the customary ‘Don’t be late for supper’. They had already bought the champagne and invited their cousins to join them for the celebration.

Laura’s response was as expected, a resounding yes, but I was surprised by the reaction of some of my friends. 

The husband of one of my girlfriends said, ‘What does he get out of the engagement?’ That response was easy: ‘Happy wife, happy life,’ to which he agreed.

I was less prepared for the response ‘Are they in their right mind? Both parties live together, sleep in the same bed - why then commit to a relationship in sickness and health and for richer and for poorer? What is to be gained from marriage? If they divorce, everything he will have worked for will be at risk’. He went on ‘There is nothing to stop them from having children and not getting married!’

Should they have a PreNup? No.

According to last week’s article in the Financial Times, written by Lucy Warwick-Ching about PreNups, she quotes Victoria Hingston a partner with Payne Hicks Beach as saying, ‘At least half of my caseload features prenups, with an equal number trying to enforce and throw out agreements’.

Prenuptial agreements lay out what each person brings to the marriage and how these assets and others accumulated during the marriage will be divided in the event of a break-up. I don’t believe Ed and Laura need a PreNup. They have built deep foundations over the years they have been together. 

Early in their relationship, they started a ‘Honey Project’ business as a hobby. As brand strategists, they wanted to create a honey brand that benefits bees by planting 100 wild flowers with every pot sold. They sell their honey at food fairs, as well as to other distinguished delicatessens and artisan food halls. It is also now on the shelves of Selfridges. 

Running a business together, has made them talk about aspirations, goals and money and taught them patience and how to work together.

If they can survive running a business, living together is undoubtedly a breeze.

Ed now runs his brand strategy agency, Role Play, building on his success as a freelancer and his experience working for some great agencies. But what destines him for success is his considerable skills in managing human relationships. He is one of the few men I know who will ask me if anything is the matter from the tone of my voice - and he is rarely wrong. He has that rare combination of left and right brain thinking.

Right-brain thinkers are typically intuitive and creative, free thinkers. They are ‘qualitative’ big picture thinkers who experience the world in terms that are descriptive or subjective. Right-brain thinkers, for example, will say, ‘The skies are grey and menacing, I wonder if it’s going to rain?’

Meanwhile, left-brained people tend to be more quantitative and analytical. They pay attention to details and are ruled by logic. Their view of the weather is more likely to be ‘The weather forecast said there was only a 30% chance of rain, but those cumulonimbus clouds will probably bring thunder as well as rain.’

Ed was born wise and still is. I therefore don’t need to wish them happiness, I know they will be happy.

In next week’s article, I explore the power of the imperative, the difference between facts and benefits and why it matters to professional advisers.